I Think Cancer Killed My Imagination

At some point this evening it occurred to me that I've lost my imagination. As a kid, it seemed like I was constantly imagining what my future would look like. No matter what the circumstances I was in were, it seemed like the primary thought pattern was "when X happens, I'll be...." As a kid, you think about how great things will be when you go to high school. In high school you're looking toward college, college your first job, and so on and so on.

Of course, the eventually reality never really had much to do with whatever I had thought would happen in the preceding years. In fact, I can't think of many people I know who could say that life turned out the way they expected. I've always been jealous of the few who can.

But I realized tonight that my brain doesn't go there anymore. I can think about the places I want to go, but even in planning my trips I'm not really imagining anything about them. I'm not anticipating what the reality will be like; I'm just looking at guidebooks and websites and choosing the things that look interesting.

I now I can't remember how long it's been since I imagined the future. I don't really know if it was cancer that killed my imagination or just the fact of getting older, though my sense is that it's the former. I know a lot of people my age (and older) who are imagining their futures as empty nesters or retirees or whatever, but I can't seem to do it anymore. I think the cancer killed whatever part of your brain allows you to imagine the future.

But maybe that's a good thing. Get too lost in your future and you forget to live in the present day. 

So maybe that's the positive way to look at it: cancer forces you to live in the present day, even when a lot of those present days suck (though mine are definitely on an upward trend).