Cancer Treatment Through History -- A Series in Five Acts

A dramatic presentation of cancer treatment through history...

Act I: The Really Early Years

Doctor: You have cancer.

Patient: Ok. What do we do?

Doctor: Lie here while I stick these leeches on you.

Patient: Okee-dokee.

Doctor: Ok. You're cured.

Patient: Great! Thanks!

Medical Record: A few months later the patient died from the uncured cancer, or maybe it was something caused by the leeches. 

Act 2: The Modern Years

Doctor: You have cancer.

Patient: Ok. What do we do?

Doctor: Lie here while we surgically remove the cancer from you, just let me wipe my hands off on my pants first.

Patient: Okee-dokee.

Medical Record: A few days later the patient died from complications related to the incredibly non-sterile surgery.

Act 3: The Pre-War Years

Doctor: You have cancer.

Patient: Ok. What do we do?

Doctor: Lie here while I radiate you.

Patient: Okee-dokee.

Medical Record: The patient subsequently died from complications resulting from the radiation.

Act 4: The Post-War Years

Doctor: You have cancer.

Patient: Ok. What do we do?

Doctor: Lie here while I radiate you to kill off your bone marrow, and then we'll replace it.

Patient: Okee-dokee.

Doctor: Ok, You're cured.

Medical Record: The patient died a couple of decades later from the cancers caused by the radiation.

Act 5: The War on Cancer Years

Doctor: You have cancer.

Patient: Ok. What do we do?

Doctor: We're going to take CT scans, MRI scans, X-rays, and ultrasounds. We're going to draw blood and run a battery of tests that will take three computer screens to display. We're going to genetically analyze you and your tumor. And then, regardless of what all those tests tell us, we're going to fill you full of toxic chemicals and make you feel miserable. (Although, truthfully, the tests will influence which toxic chemicals we choose.) And then last, we're going to start the whole process over again.

Patient: Uhm, do I have any other options?

Doctor: Well, you could die.

Patient: Well, then I guess we should go with the toxic chemicals.

Medical Record: The  majority of patients will die from the cancer after months of being made to feel miserable by the treatment intended to stop the cancer, while a lucky few will be cured. There is apparently no real way to predict which is which. 

I think I'll go try to find a showing of Romeo & Juliet. It's got a happier ending.