Twenty Questions Is Nineteen Too Many

You wouldn't think weed would be so hard to find in Washington state, but this is new territory for me. 

So Sib4 (whose eighteen-year-old is finding great humor in the whole adventure) has found some folks who operate a website intended to educate potential patients on the ins and outs of medical marijuana vis-a-vis cancer. In retrospect, it’s pretty much the standard alternative treatment shtick: parent is diagnosed with cancer and given weeks to live; someone gives parent weed and, lacking any other options, parent gives it a shot; two days later they’ve climbed out of their bed, a week later they’re out in the garden weeding, and a decade later they’re still alive, kicking and cancer-free.

Lovely. Inspiring. Sign me up.

Signing up starts with a phone consultation. Not a problem, except that the calendar and payment system on their website is buggy at best. The calendar identifies three possible appointments weeks in the future, and the payment seems to charge both my PayPal account and my credit card. (The system really, really wants me to use PayPal, so much so that when I enter my credit card information it uses the info to locate my PayPal account and charge that, too.) Once I’ve scheduled the appointment, the folks are nice enough to email me – well, sort of, they, too, have their own web-based communication system – and tell me they have some earlier openings. Nice, but couldn’t those have been on the calendar? All things considered, I have to count this entire process as strike one.

Sib4 is interested in hearing what these folks have to say, so she decides to join me on the call. The weed advisor guy sets up a conference line, and though there’s some confusion about access, we eventually connect. The guy tells his story and then starts running through the various options for cannabis that might help me. Sadly, in this guy’s opinion neither smoking weed nor ingesting it will help me. I either need “cannabis oil” or -- well, for the record, cannabis suppositories will not be happening so we’ll just stick with the cannabis oil. More problematically, he tells me to avoid the medical marijuana dispensaries that are popping up on every street corner in Seattle, as you “can’t trust” their product. Instead, he will provide an introduction to a cost-effective mail order supplier.

This is the word for word email exchange his referral produces, minus the identifying names:

Advisor Guy:

Hi [me],

It truly was a pleasure speaking with you and [Sib4] today. As mentioned, here are some links per our discussion.  Please know at any time if you have any questions, I am more than happy to help out.

I have also cc’d [Supplier Rep] with [Supplier] in this email.  She can send directly to you.

[Supplier Rep], we discussed a 3:1 THC:CBD ratio for [me]. 

Supplier Rep:

Hello [me], 

Please let me know what questions you have we would be happy to help in any way we can. 

[X]

Me:

Hi [X],

I guess I just need to know how to order, pay, etc., for the oil [Advisor] identified in his email.

Thanks!

[me]

Supplier Rep:

Are you a California patient? 

Me:

No, I live in Seattle.

[me]

Supplier Rep:

Ok no problem, as far as receiving payment do you have a Bank of America near you? 

Me:

I'm sure I could find one.

[me]

At this point, eleven days pass...

Me:

Hi [X],

It seems like I lost the thread of this conversation, so I'm trying to restart it. 

Again, per the recommendation from [Advisor] at [Advisor’s Group], I'm trying to purchase 3:1 THC:CBD cannabis oil to help with my colon cancer. My chemotherapy starts next week and I was hoping to get started with the oil before that happens, but that may not be possible now. In any case, sooner rather than later is good.

I live in Seattle, but [Advisor] says you guys can reliably ship, so I'm hoping that's true. I just need to know how to submit the order, how much it will be, and how to make payment.

Let me know what I need to do or, if you can't help me, let me know that so I can try to pursue some other options.

Thanks much,

[me]

Supplier Rep:

Hi [me],

Yes we can make you a 3:1 ratio oil for you. This oil is $35 a gram.

And now my head explodes.

There’s a long tradition of Hollywood movies based on a premise of drug dealers getting themselves into trouble by using too much of their own product. I always thought they were comedies. Who knew they were documentaries?