Thursday, July 24, 2014

Second Guesses

I've been a Type I diabetic for a little over twenty-eight years. Long enough that I can't really remember not being a diabetic. Sure, I've got vague recollections of being able to eat sugary foods, or skip a meal without worrying about the impact on my blood sugar, but that's not really the same as knowing what it feels like not to have diabetes.

There are lots of bad things about diabetes -- high blood sugar, low blood sugar, daily injections, etc. -- but the one that actually bugs me the most is the fact that it's always there. You don't get to take a vacation from being diabetic. As a result, everything you feel and experience runs through the diabetic filter: Am I hungry, or is it just low blood sugar? Am I tired, or is it high blood sugar? Am I, fill in the blank, or is it the diabetes? 

It gets really old.

And now, joy of joys, I'm finding that cancer provides for a very similar experience. Every ache, pain, twinge, cramp, irritation, discomfort, whatever, now has to run though the cancer filter. 

Did I eat a bad meatball or is it the cancer?

Did I step on a rock or has the cancer moved into my bones?

Is it just a headache or do I now have brain cancer as well?

Does the car next to me have a problem with its catalytic converter or has the cancer taken root in my lungs?

Yes, it's a little nuts, but this is how my brain works. And I'm sure lots of people dealing with chronic health issues can relate. For those of you fortunate enough not to have had the experience, just know that the compulsion to constantly second guess every experience of your body is exhausting. At least it is for me. 

I much preferred not wondering if every new twinge is the one that's going to kill me.

2 comments:

  1. Can relate in a minor way. With you in spirit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. It sucks when your body turns against you, no matter what the cause or how bad the prognosis.

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