Theory Meets Practice (and Practice Wins)

Shortly after the doctor leaves the nurse brings me my tools for the night: a paper cup and the bucket of GoLytely I'm supposed to finish before morning. Kindly, but in violation of  the instructions on the packaging -- What can I say? I was bored and curious so I read them -- she's added a package of Crystal Light or some other lemonade flavoring to make it a little more palatable (the operative word there is "little"). We of course joke around a bit -- when the subject is colonoscopy prep, how can you not? -- and then she pours me a cupful and leaves me to get started. And so we begin.  

First cup? OK, not bad. I can do this. 

Second cup? On second thought, not good either. 

Third cup? For the first time in my life I may actually be able to nurse a drink. Little infrequent sips. That's the ticket. We'll try to sneak it past the taste buds. 

I deploy the slow sipping approach until the patient care tech stops by and notices what I'm doing. Drink it faster, he tells me. The goal is to drink everything in the bucket. I can drink it slow, and extend the misery, or drink it fast and just be done with it. It's a good argument, so I pick up the pace and try to power through the stuff as fast as I can. Fourth cup down. Then the fifth. And then the problem starts.

As it's described to me, GoLytely is essential the medical version of Drano. You pour it in at the top, it flows through the pipes sweeping up the clogs it comes in contact with, and then it carries those clogs out to the sewer. Eventually, when the pipes are empty, you pour it in the top and it flows out clear at the other end. 

Except what I'm pouring in ain't coming out. It's accumulating. And after about six cups of the stuff, my system's reached its limit on GoLytely. At this point, everything I drink down my body immediately heaves back up. Fortunately, this only has to happen a couple of times before the nurse tells me to stop drinking the stuff. They'll wait until the gastroenterologist arrives in the morning and come up with Plan B.

So at 4:00 in the morning I get to go to sleep after all.