I Suppose I Shouldn't Be Surprised that My PA Agrees with My Oncologist

Although it's a little disappointing that their point of agreement is that I'm a lousy cancer patient. 

Of course, I sort of brought it on myself. Despite all I've learned over the last two years, I can't seem to resist asking if they could possibly provide a life expectancy with a range narrower than two years. This, then, generates a list of all of the ways I've deviated from the standard approach to cancer treatment followed by the explanation of how this makes it nearly impossible for them to make any sort of reasonable predictions since a prediction would have to be based on an assumption of normal cancer-patient decision-making, an assumption which doesn't hold in my case. 

Wah, wah, wah. 

But I suppose I can be consoled by the fact that when I turned the conversation to death with dignity, I at least forced her to mumble under her breath, "it's not like you're going to be dying in six months."

It was an entertaining check-up to say the least.

But the conversation wandered a rather serpentine pathway that there's simply no way I can recreate here, so instead we'll go with headlines:

I do not need a blood transfusion. The sole reason for this visit was to make sure the Lonsurf didn't wipe out my blood counts, and, apparently, it didn't. 

I do seem to need help from an adequately trained mental health professional -- or rather, professionals. I got two separate referrals. 

My tumor markers are up. Again. Another twenty points. If this was an IPO, I'd be growing increasingly rich. But it's not. But my PA wasn't too worried, thinking it was a little bit early to be assessing the impact of the Lonsurf. 

I should never have joked about the process of collecting a stool sample. Guess who now has to collect a stool sample (damn it)? 

I was told I had a "small amount of cancer." To which my only possible reply is, Is that like being a little bit pregnant? Although to be fair to my PA, it came up in the context of all the reasons she couldn't give me a reasonable stab at a life expectancy.

But after lamenting my non-standard cancer-patientness, my PA also let me know that she may want me to skip the cycle of Lonsurf that would overlap with the Great Britain trip. So it's not entirely my fault. She claimed to be looking out for my potential trip enjoyment, but I think she just doesn't want to have to fight the battle with my insurance company that would be necessary for them to agree to pay for the pills a week early.

And those were the headlines from my status check. 

And we'll do it all again a week from Friday. (The joys of being an early adopter of a new drug.)