Passing the Gates

I'm sure you've probably had the experience of parking in a garage or something and driving over those little one way pointy things. As long as you keep moving forward you're fine, but if you try to back up the little pointy things will blow your tires.

That feeling of having to move forward, and moving forward past a set of fixed gates, is sort of how the cancer seems now. 

So, for example, we've worked out that August 31 will be my last day of coming to work as a regular employee. I'll keep working on some projects at home, but the day in day out is now over for me. We're even having an party wake event to mark the transition. This was all totally my choice -- getting through the days is getting increasingly hard -- but there's a part of me that wonders if giving up the obligation to come in every day will prove to slow, or accelerate, my progress toward the end. In the end, there wasn't much choice, and it's just one of those gates you have to pass through.

I've also signed my consent form and submitted to all the scans and tests necessary to see if I'll qualify for this last clinical trial. It's out of my hands now, and will be what it will be. If I qualify, great. I'll be able to help generate some data that may help the docs to figure out the next adjustment to standard colon cancer treatment. If I don't, that will be okay, too. It's just mean that for the first time in twenty-six months I won't be undergoing any treatment. Interestingly, I learned that I can't actually get formal hospice care while on the trial (or getting any other sort of treatment). Eventually, the need/desire for hospice may wind up having more impact on what happens to me than anything else.

I did learn there are some home care services I can get, so I'll start making those calls next week when I'm home. Some of the routine chores I can still do, but only if I allot 3x or 4x the time to account for the naps that will be needed to recover. Thus, I'm thinking that off-loading some of those on a service will actually buy me way more active time than just the time it takes to do the chore. At this point, I can take all the active time I can get.

When I was at SCCA for my trial screening, we also queued up all of the remaining Death with Dignity hurdles. I signed the little legal acknowledgment that I'm not supposed to off myself in public, or alone, or take the drugs out of the state, and I completed the data sheet that will add me to the state's statistical charting. My social worker is setting up appointments to get a second opinion that will certify I've got cancer and am dying, and another that will certify that I'm not so depressed its affecting my judgement. And I've got the written request form that I need to complete, sign and have witnessed. So the plan at this point is to get the two certifications, then see my doctor provide both the second oral request and the written request, they'll have to wait a mandatory 48 hours and then they'll give me the prescription for the killer drugs. 

Talk about your one-way gates.

On the cheerier side of things, I've got tickets to the Mariners. I was never much of a fan, but I've been to a few games, and Safeco Field, despite the political and financial game playing that generated it, is quite lovely. It'll be nice to have a last chance to see a game there.

I've also got my balloon ride scheduled, and even talked two friends into coming with me. So if my fear of heights leaves me in a fetal crouch at the bottom of the basket, they can at least take a few pictures of the scenery.

If all goes as planned, this weekend Sib2 and I will go out for a biplane ride. I've never done that, either, and it seemed like a good thing to add to the list. At that point, all my sky items should be pretty much crossed off. (There will be no sky diving or bungee jumping.)

I'm still working on Alaska, but it looks like we may get a fairly complete family reunion involving my aunt and most of my cousins for Labor Day. I'm excited to see her. She and my Mum were definitely sisters, and we spent most of my holidays growing up getting together with Mum's side of the family. It'll be great to have this chance to see everyone again.

And similarly, my college roommates are coming out as well. We lived together for three of the four years of college, and I don't think we've all been in the same room since we graduated. I can't begin to explain how excited I am by the chance to hang out with them and try to remember what it was like to be nineteen, with most of my life ahead of me, rather than forty-nine (next month), with nearly all of it behind. 

In short, gates. One milestone to the next, trying to make these weeks as meaningful as I can.*

* To me, at least. I think whatever contributions I've made to the planet or society or whatever, pretty much are what they are. I can't really see writing the great American novel, curing a disease, or otherwise having much of an impact at this point beyond whatever it is I've already done.