Forty-Eight Hours Later

Having spent the last two days processing -- and by "processing" I mean driving around with the top down listening to Tom Petty and/or lying on the couch binge watching SyFy series* and/or lying in bed with a pillow over my head -- I can definitively state the following:

This sucks.

The funny thing is, it's not like it was unexpected. I know there were folks that were expecting a miracle, but that was never me. I might've clearly had unreasonable expectations about how long I had, but I always figured the cancer was gonna kill me. But even knowing it was coming, actually being told the cancer's going to kill me -- and relatively soon -- has thrown me.

The weirdest part is that it's like hearing the news has made me a totally different person. Very little of what I thought would be true about this moment has turned out to be true, and, truthfully, I can't really muster the energy to care. I think it's fair to say that I'm going to die with the window trim in the bathroom needing to be painted. (It's probably also fair to say that that particular outcome was genetically mandated from the start.) I was also thinking I should be a new computer since this one is a viral mess, but I can't see spending any of my final moments figuring out Windows 10.

Speaking of which, I have figured out that the question I asked in my last post is the wrong question. The question is not, "How do you want to spend you final weeks?," but rather, "What do you want to do next?" It could just be psychosomatic -- hey, you're dying; okay, I guess that should probably hurt -- but the pain I'm experiencing is already ratcheting itself up. My doc gave me a scrip for Oxycontin, and for awhile I was hesitant to take it, but, as of ten minutes ago, the hesitancy is gone. But it does go to show that it's anyone's guess how these remaining weeks are going to play out so long term planning probably isn't the right strategy. Instead, I'll focus on what's next. And then next. And then next.

Next, I think, is a balloon ride...


* Lesson learned: if you're terminal, do NOT binge watch any series that SyFy produces, unless the series has been cancelled. Every freakin' season of every freakin' show ends in a f'ing cliffhanger.