Denial's Not Just a River in Egypt

You'd think that for a race of people as intelligent as humans mostly are we'd be able to recognize, acknowledge and embrace a universal truth like "we're all going to die." Based on my experience today I'd say that's a stretch. People seem willing to do just about anything to maintain the illusion that death is not an absolute.

I mentioned that my cancer diagnosis has generated some legal issues. Like most people, prior to my cancer diagnosis I generally operated under the illusion that death is possibly optional and certainly far enough away that I could reasonably ignore it. As a result, despite the fact that I'm currently divorced with no kids (and thus have no obvious beneficiaries or decision maker), I have no will, no document authorizing anyone to make decisions about my medical care should I become incapacitated, no documented instruction on what I'd want done to me in such a state, no stated preference on what happens to what's left of me* -- in short, I'm the kind of person that gives hospitals, lawyers and probate courts conniptions. 

But given that some thirty people a day die in Vietnam as a result of traffic accidents, it seemed prudent to try to get some of these documents in place before I head off for leg two of the GCW Tour lest I crash my motorcycle into an errant water buffalo or something. 

So along with contacting my retirement plan people, I also started the process to get the documents I need in place. I don't want to be unkind, but I have to say that as someone who can no longer reasonably maintain the illusion that I'm not going to die, it was somewhat humorous to witness.

First up was a conversation with the secretary at a law firm that specializes in estate planning and what not. She was very kind, and when she asked why I needed to consult a lawyer I explained that I had a terminal cancer diagnosis and so needed a complete portfolio of end of life documents. We then spent approximately ten minutes talking about the treatments I'd tried, why I didn't try the treatments I didn't try, and why I was reasonably sure the cancer was likely to kill me. The sense I got was that my telling her I was going to die was clearly interfering with her ability to maintain the illusion that humans aren't mortal and so our conversation was necessary to allow her to buttress those walls. She was lovely and kind, but eventually it got a little absurd. 

Then I made the mistake of sending a "who wants my stuff when I'm gone" email to my siblings which caused a major freak out. Sorry siblings! I was just trying to avoid a repeat of the weirdness that plagued the distribution of Mum and Dad's accumulated stuff. 

I wish I could find the perfect (minimally acceptable?) model for the dispersal of inherited property. As friends and colleagues have dealt with the death of their loved ones I've heard about a lot of different schemes, but I have yet to hear of an approach that didn't cause some heartache (or headache) for someone. 

But maybe that, too, is part of being human: we can't deal with the emotions associated with the loss of a loved one so we just fight over the crap they left behind instead. 


* For the record, I'd like to be cremated and have my ashes strewn across Little Makena, the clothing-optional beach on Maui. Maui is one of the calmest and pleasantest places I've ever been, and it amuses me to think of spending eternity under the feet of a bunch of naked beach-goers.